约会软件倦怠:为什么谈恋爱越来越累?

真正让人疲惫的，往往不是某一个人

而是整套「认识人」的流程

Dating apps were designed to make meeting people easier. But for many people, endless swiping, disappointing conversations, ghosting, and unsuccessful dates can become emotionally exhausting. After a while, using a dating app can start to feel less like an exciting way to meet someone and more like a repetitive task.

约会软件原本是为了让人们更容易认识新的人。但对很多人来说，无休止地刷照片、令人失望的聊天、突然消失的“幽灵式断联”（ghosting），以及一次次没有结果的约会，都可能让人感到情绪上的疲惫。久而久之，使用约会软件可能不再像是一种令人期待的认识新人的方式，而更像是一项不断重复的任务。

This experience is often described as dating app burnout—a state of emotional exhaustion caused by the repeated effort of looking for romantic connections online.

这种体验通常被称为 dating app burnout（约会软件倦怠）——也就是因为不断在线寻找亲密关系、反复投入时间和情绪，而逐渐产生的一种情感疲惫状态。

A Forbes Health/OnePoll survey of 1,000 U.S. adults who had used a dating app during the previous year found that 78% experienced dating app burnout sometimes, often, or always.

Forbes Health 与 OnePoll 对 1000 名过去一年使用过约会软件的美国成年人进行的一项调查发现，78% 的人表示自己有时、经常或总是经历约会软件倦怠。

However, this number needs some context. The survey was conducted in March 2024, and it was an industry survey rather than peer-reviewed academic research. The definition of burnout was also broad, including people who only occasionally found dating apps tiring.

不过，这个数字需要结合具体背景来理解。这项调查于 2024 年 3 月进行，而且属于行业调查，并不是经过同行评议的学术研究。此外，这项调查对“倦怠”的定义也比较宽泛，其中包括那些只是偶尔觉得使用约会软件很累的人。

So, the finding does not mean that 78% of dating app users are chronically burned out. But it does suggest that feeling tired of online dating is a common experience.

因此，这一结果并不意味着 78% 的约会软件用户都处于长期严重的倦怠状态。但它确实说明，对线上约会感到疲惫，是一种相当普遍的体验。

One important reason is the gap between effort and reward.

一个重要原因，是投入和回报之间的巨大落差。

You swipe through profiles, match with someone, start a conversation, and spend time trying to keep it going. But the conversation may suddenly stop, the other person may disappear, or the eventual date may lead nowhere.

你不断浏览个人资料，与某个人匹配，然后开始聊天，并花时间努力维持这段对话。但聊天可能突然中断，对方可能突然消失，或者最终见面后发现两个人根本没有进一步发展的可能。

The problem is not always rejection. In fact, many people find the repeated experience of putting in effort without finding a meaningful connectionmore frustrating.

真正的问题并不总是被拒绝。事实上，对很多人来说，反复经历“投入了时间和精力，却始终找不到真正有意义的连接”，可能更加令人沮丧。

You can spend hours talking to people without ever reaching a real relationship. Over time, this can create the feeling that dating has become workrather than something enjoyable.

你可能花几个小时和不同的人聊天，却始终没有真正发展出一段关系。时间久了，你可能会觉得，谈恋爱已经变成了一项工作，而不再是一件令人享受的事情。

Dating apps give people access to an enormous number of potential partners. That sounds like an advantage, but unlimited choice can create a different kind of pressure.

约会软件让人们可以接触到数量庞大的潜在伴侣。这听起来似乎是一种优势，但无限的选择也可能带来另一种压力。

When there is always another profile waiting to be viewed, it can become difficult to feel satisfied with the person you are currently talking to. You may start thinking, “What if the next person is a better match?”

当你知道后面永远还有新的个人资料可以浏览时，你可能越来越难对眼前正在聊天的人感到满足。你可能会开始想：“如果下一个人更适合我呢？”

This can turn dating into a process of constant comparison. Instead of asking whether you genuinely like someone, you may start evaluating whether they are the best option available.

这会让约会变成一个不断比较的过程。你不再只是问自己“我是不是真的喜欢这个人”，而可能开始思考：“他是不是目前所有选择中最好的那个？”

One useful strategy is to narrow your focus instead of expanding it.

一个有用的方法是：不要不断扩大选择，而是主动缩小自己的关注范围。

Using several apps and talking to many people at the same time may seem like a way to increase your chances. But it can also multiply the amount of time and emotional energy you spend on conversations that never develop.

同时使用多个约会软件、和很多人聊天，看起来似乎能够增加找到合适对象的机会。但与此同时，这也可能成倍增加你花在那些最终没有结果的聊天上的时间和情绪精力。

Try using fewer apps and having fewer conversations at the same time. You may also want to move from online conversations to an actual date sooner, rather than spending weeks building an imagined connection.

可以尝试减少使用的约会软件数量，同时不要同时维持太多聊天对象。你也可以考虑更早地从线上聊天走向现实约会，而不是花几个星期在网络上建立一种想象中的关系。

It is also helpful to set boundariesaround how often you use dating apps. Constantly checking for new matches can make dating feel like a never-ending evaluation.

同时，也可以给自己设定约会软件的使用边界。不断查看有没有新的匹配，很容易让约会变成一种永远没有结束的“自我评估”。

Most importantly, remember that your dating app results do not define your value. A lack of matches or unsuccessful dates may tell you something about the process, but they do not determine whether you are attractive, interesting, or worthy of love.

最重要的是，要记住：约会软件上的结果并不能定义你的价值。匹配很少，或者几次约会没有成功，只能说明这段经历本身的一些情况，并不能决定你是否有吸引力、有趣，或者是否值得被爱。

Sometimes what feels like dating app burnout may actually be something else.

有时候，你以为自己经历的是“约会软件倦怠”，背后可能其实是另外的问题。

If you feel extremely anxious before a date or spend hours analyzing what happened afterward, you may be experiencing dating anxiety.

如果你在约会之前感到非常焦虑，或者约会结束后花几个小时反复分析发生的一切，那么你可能正在经历 dating anxiety（约会焦虑）。

If your mood depends heavily on how quickly someone replies, whether they have read your message, or whether they suddenly become less interested, anxious attachmentmay also play a role.

如果你的情绪高度依赖对方回复的速度、对方有没有已读你的消息，或者对方是否突然变得冷淡，那么 anxious attachment（焦虑型依恋）也可能在其中发挥作用。

And sometimes, the problem is not the app at all. You may simply be tired of dating itself.

有时候，问题甚至根本不在约会软件上。你可能只是单纯厌倦了约会这件事本身。

In that case, taking a genuine breakmay be more useful than downloading another app or changing your profile.

如果是这样，那么真正暂时离开一段时间，可能比再下载一个新的约会软件，或者重新修改自己的个人资料，更有帮助。

Dating should be a way of meeting people, not a full-time job where every swipe feels like a judgment of your worth.

约会应该是一种认识别人的方式，而不应该变成一份全职工作，更不应该让每一次滑动，都变成对自己价值的一次评判。

Dating is not a full-time job.

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