When AI-powered means rebranded rip-off

When AI-powered means rebrandedrip-off

It’s the label du jour, but are sales reps taking us for suckers?

Build a better mousetrap and the world apparently will beat a path to your door. Alternatively, if you don’t actually have any new ideas, perhaps you can just rebrand the existing device as AI-powered.

Proclaiming the benefits of the latest technology is a well-tried staple of the retail business. So it should not have required expensive visits to the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas to predict that every absurd gadget is finding ways to incorporate the promise of AI into its latest merchandise.

There is always a new thing. Once it was digital (glows in the dark). Then it was online (if your modem was up to it). Then it was items with an “e” in front of them, at least until Steve Jobs replaced the “e” with an “i”. Then “connected”, “smart”, “voice-activated” and “virtual”.

And every year the word du jour was added as a prefix to otherwise unsensational products. We all fall for it from time to time. Some years back, I acquired what I was assured was a smart TV, and yet it still seems to show Mrs Brown’s Boys. Just how clever can it be?

Anyway, as the AI revolution has gathered pace, it has become an essential part of any event. No conference on any theme is complete without sessions on AI, and the Consumer Electronics Show is the Shangri-La for sales reps in search of suckers.

For years, consumer journalists have emerged from this mecca of electronic tat, evangelising the latest range of smart fridges, connected washing machines and vacuum cleaners that are so intelligent they are already members of Mensa.

Among the treats in this year’s show is an anti-snoring pillow that uses the power of AI to analyse the noises you make and then inflates or deflates to gently ease your head into a different position. Apparently, it is so sophisticated that it can even distinguish your night-time grunts from the roar of a Kawasaki screaming past your window.

I’m not sure that this sort of machine-learnt pattern recognition actually counts as AI but the idea sounds tempting, at least until you discover that the price of all this alleged computing power is a little under $1,000 a pillow. Even an Emma pillow will only set you back about £60, so that’s a lot of money for something which fundamentally is benefitting someone else. And $1,000 can buy you a lot of earplugs.

At that price, I’m afraid I’ll be sticking with the actually intelligent device known as a wife who digs you in the ribs when the volume gets too loud. I am reliably informed that all models come with this function as standard.

But worry not, there are plenty of other options, like an AI-powered mirror. This has potential. A mirror that sends you off in the morning thinking you look like Channing Tatum might be worth a bob or two. Sadly, this one simply analyses your skin before advising on beauty products you might want to buy.

The AI-powered vacuum cleaner uses advanced technology to identify different floor surfaces. An AI cat flap stops your moggie bringing dead mice into the house and an AI baby monitor purports to translate different infant sounds so you understand why your baby is crying. An AI dog collar and bowl allegedly identify feeding requirements, while an AI door lock works off face recognition. An AI grill assesses the right time to cook meat — and on and on. I was quite taken with a staggeringly expensive pair of binoculars that can identify birds, but overall two points emerge.

First, that much of this is not really “AI” in the way we think of it today — it is just the necessary moniker of the moment. The term is so overused that America’s Federal Trade Commission has warned producers against “baseless” claims.

Second, much of the technology is doing things you can already do for yourself. Most of these devices will fail either because the tech is simply not necessary, or the cost exceeds the utility provided. Which leads to a third point, that overwhelmingly, this is simple, good old-fashioned hucksterism, a way of taking money from people who have too much of it. The intelligence may be artificial, but the gullibility of those who fall for it, well that’s entirely genuine.

如果你能创造出一个更好的产品或解决方案，全世界的人就会自动上门来找你。不过，如果你没有什么新的创意，那就把现有的设备改头换面，说是AI驱动的吧。

零售业的老套路就是吹嘘最新技术的种种好处。所以，没有必要花冤枉钱跑去拉斯维加斯参加消费电子展，就能预测到：每一个荒诞的小玩意都在想办法把AI的前景融入到它们的最新产品中。

新鲜事物层出不穷。先是数码的（黑夜里闪闪发光）。后是网上的（如果你的调制解调器能支持的话）。再是前面加了个“e”的东西，直到史蒂夫·乔布斯把“e”换成了“i”。接着是“连网的”，“智能的”，“语音激活的”和“虚拟的”。

每年都有个当下流行的词被加在一些没啥特色的产品前面。我们都会时不时上当受骗。几年前，我买了个号称是智能电视的电视机，结果它还是天天放《布朗夫人的男孩们》。它到底有多智能呢？

不管怎样，随着AI革命的加速，它已经成为任何活动必不可少的部分。不论什么主题的会议，都少不了AI的环节，能够没有 AI 的环节，而消费电子展就是销售代表寻找“傻瓜”的香格里拉。

多年来，消费者记者们从这个电子垃圾的圣殿里走出来，热情宣传最新款的智能冰箱、联网洗衣机和吸尘器，这些产品都是如此的智能，早就是门萨的一员了。

在今年的展会中，有一个防打鼾的枕头，利用AI的能力来分析你发出的声音，然后自动充气或放气，轻轻地让你的头部换个姿势。显然，这玩意儿可真的是高端大气，连你晚上的呼噜声和窗外飞驰的川崎汽车的轰鸣声都能分辨出来。

我不太相信这种靠机器学习识别语音的模式真的算是AI，不过这个想法倒是挺吸引人的，只是等你发现这个号称高科技的枕头要卖1000刀一个，你就不会这么想了。就算是一个艾玛枕头，也只要花大约60英镑，所以，你不觉得这是在给别人送一笔大钱吗？而且，1000美元可以买很多耳塞。

以这个价格，我还是用个真正聪明的东西吧，就是我老婆，她一听我鼾声大了，就会用手肘戳我的肋骨。我得到可靠的消息，这个功能是所有老婆的标配。

但别着急，还有很多其他的选择呢，比如一个由AI驱动的镜子，这个还是挺有意思的。一个能让你一大早出门就觉得自己跟查宁·塔图姆一样帅的镜子，也许花点小钱也值得。可惜的是，这个镜子只会简单地分析一下你的皮肤，然后推荐你买一些美容产品。

一款AI驱动的吸尘器使用先进的技术来识别不同的地面材质。一个AI驱动的猫门能挡住你的猫咪把死耗子拖进家里，一个AI婴儿监视器能把各种婴儿声音翻译出来，让你知道你的宝宝为啥哭。一个AI狗项圈和碗据说能搞清楚喂食的需求，而一个AI门锁则是通过面部识别来工作。一个AI烤架能判断烤肉的最佳时机——还有更多更多。一副能认出鸟儿，但贵得吓人的双筒望远镜惊艳到了我，不过总的来说，有两点很明显。

首先，这些东西里的大部分根本不算是我们现在所说的“AI”——不过是顺应潮流的招牌罢了。这个词被用烂了，美国联邦贸易委员会都警告过生产商，不要做“毫无根据”的宣传。

再者，这些技术里的大部分都是你自己本来就能办到的事。这些东西大多数都会黄，要么是因为这些技术没啥用，要么是因为它们的成本超过了它们提供的效用。这就说到了第三点，就是，这些东西不过是些老掉牙的骗局，就是想从那些有钱的傻瓜身上捞钱。这些智能也许是假的，但是那些上当的人的傻，那可是真的。